Death and grief has brought me to question myself on the deepest levels.
Over the past few years, I’ve reprogrammed much of the conditioning and released many levels of ancestral Karmas from my DNA. I’ve worked really hard to challenge the thoughts in my mind that tell me I am not good enough, that I am not able to receive what I need to thrive. As thoughts and feelings of lack rise, my mind quickly corrects them, and my soul sings from within my chest that all is alright.
Except after my grandmother’s passing. All of the positive things that echo in my mind were suddenly seeming empty. I was faithless of my own understanding, because my grief and the trauma of her sudden passing. Wouldn’t it just be easier to slip into the pain, into depression, into fear? Wouldn’t it be easier to give up and let my mind consume me, to go back to coping mechanisms that harmed mine and my family’s wellbeing, to just let go of hope and passion?
Every time I start to feel this way, a dragonfly or butterfly floats by the window. A brand new, face-up nickel appears out of nowhere. White and grey feathers litter the ground that I walk on. I feel hands on my shoulders, a spark of bright yellow pops up in my peripheral vision, and I know that all I’ve re-conditioned my brain to assume (including that death is simply a transition, nothing more) is almost confirmed. I could deny it and drop into sadness, but the whisper of my soul reminds me that each happening in life is just one side of the pancake. On one side is deep sorrow and loss, but the other?
Joy, and clarity.
I’m trying to allow myself to feel the joy that is creeping up underneath the sorrow, despite how hard this is. It tells me that with her by my side in spirit, I am finally ready to truly step into my passion and help others like her. The joy tells me that with her incarnated here, I could not have succeeded, because a vital part of myself was not as easily available to me. I could not have succeeded because I so feared the yin/yang of myself, that was represented in the opposition of my grandmother and myself. And with her here I couldn’t accept that she is exactly the kind of person I am meant to help- those that are ready to conduct psychoanalysis for themselves with mine and my spirit team’s help, repair and reprogram their own conditioning through energy work, and leave the victim complex behind.
I don’t think the loss of my grandmother will ever stop hurting, but the hurting is eased by the sudden clarity and the joy that I will carry on our soul’s work with her guiding me, but this time, from a place of clarity herself.